Searching For Answers

We recently received news that has left me shaken and heart-broken.

Friends of ours just lost their baby. After an emergency C-Section, Emily Grace was born brain dead as a result of her umbilical cord being wrapped tightly around her neck. I am so sad for their loss.

And this horrific news brings up so many questions.

Why do bad things like this happen to good people like our friends, and Karla from Untangling Knots? And why are people like Carlos and I the lucky ones? Who gets to decide this?

When Zander was born, it was a similar story to that of Emily Grace, but with a much happier ending. After arriving at the hospital in the midst of blinding contractions, I was hooked up to the usual monitoring gizmos for the baby's heart rate and such. It was soon obvious that the baby was in trouble, as with each contraction his heart rate would drop from the 160's down below 50.

Within seconds there were nurses and doctors swarming around the room like flies, efficiently going about what it is they are trained to do in this situation. We were told the baby had to come out NOW. Fortunately, he was already so far down the birth canal that emergency surgery would not be needed. The vacuum was in the doctor's hand, but the thought of my baby being in mortal danger sent me into some sort of supermom-like trance, and with two herculean pushes, he was born.

It took a few minutes, but we did start breathing...and then came the cry we had so longed to hear. All of this took minutes, but it felt like forever.

I am so grateful and truly blessed that Zander and Logan were both born healthy....but why was Emily Grace denied a chance at life? I don't understand.

When I started to lose my hair, I was beside myself. I thought I had that I was being punished for something horrible I had done...perhaps in a past life. The only way I could come to grips with what had happened, and get on with my life was to force myself to believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe I was being taught an important lesson. Maybe this is what I needed to start to truly like myself, which I had never really done before. What I needed to see my life, past present and future, from a whole new perspective.

This belief has gotten me through some truly tough times. But now it makes me wonder...what could possibly be the reason for the death of a child. I can think of none.

It does, however, make me realize what a true miracle it is that Anvilcloud's granddaughter was born in perfect health, and is safe and sound in her parents' arms.

I wish I could say the same for Emily Grace. Their are far too many angels like her in heaven...why?