I Still Manage To Impress

Hubby made dinner last night. We had our first corn-on-the-cob of the season. It was delicious. Of course, it wouldn't be dinnertime in our house without shenanigans and goings-on!


hubby: (as I'm about to take my first bite from the cob) I hope it's completely cooked...I boiled them for 5 minutes.

me: 5 minutes should do it. (I take a bite, pretending it's still raw)

hubby: (looking slightly deflated) I guess 5 minutes isn't enough....?

me: Just kidding! Ha! (I take a bite of corn with a wink and a mischievous grin) Mmmm...delicious and cooked to perfection!

hubby: I can't believe you just did that! I totally couldn't tell that you were pretending!

me: (saying with just a pinch of cockiness) I am an actress!

Zander: (turning towards me, a look of amazement and adoration on his face) Oh, WOW!


I'm so glad that I still manage to impress my 2 year-old son. Hopefully that will last...

There's A New Sheriff In Town

There's a new sheriff in town, and his name would be Zander. He's tough, he's not always fair and he takes no prisoners.

You see, my dear little Zander has learned a new phrase...from who, I'm sure I have no idea! This phrase would be "Stop Logan, NOW!"...although he does mix it up now and then with a "Logan Stop NOW!" or a "Stop Logan! Stop NOW!". But one thing you can count on, it is screamed from the depths of his little lungs every time, with extra special emphasis on "NOW!".

Nice!

So yesterday Zander was busy putting together his little Thomas train track...which he always does with his trusty plastic hammer, just to make sure the joints are "rea' toit!" (translation: real tight). As usual, as soon as Logan saw what Zander was doing he made his way over to promptly destroy what Zander had worked so diligently to create...making sure it was "rea' toit!", of course.

And then, it came...like thunder, his voice booming in a way that I had not heard before, "Rogan, stop! NOW!". I found it very hard not to laugh my ass off...but being the model of self control that I am [snicker], I kept a completely straight face.

Today, it has become clear that he's just making up the law to suit his fancy. Zander was sitting at the dining room table drawing when he noticed that Logan was crawling towards him. "Stop, Rogan! Stop NOW!". Did I mention that Logan was still about 8 feet away from him?

This must be some new proximity bi-law that I am not aware of.

I have submitted a formal request to Sheriff Zander, asking to be kept apprised of any amendments and/or additions to the current Laws of the House, so that I may do my best to stay on his good side.

When Poop Makes You Cry

I know what you're thinking. The title may lead you to believe that this post is about the eye-watering stench coming from my sons' toxic-waste-filled diapers...most likely Logan's. Well, you would be wrong.

I now pose this question...in run-on-sentence form.

What do you do when your son, who has just finished lunch, poops while still in his booster seat and starts crying while he's pooping like it's hurting him and when he's done he just starts screaming at the top of his lungs like someone has set fire to his diaper and he doesn't stop when you pick him up out of his seat and you know that changing his diaper and ridding him of the nastiness in within said diaper will take the fiery pain away but because he has Reflux Disease he can't lie down for at least 15-20 minutes after he finishes eating and he just finished eating and you don't dare change him while standing up because, while you have done it before, it's not the sort of thing you do when his diaper is loaded with danger and you just want to take the pain away and get him calmed down before his screaming kicks his reflux into high gear???

[phew...takes deep breathe]

I'll tell you what you do...you make a huge ass of yourself. You prance around like an idiot. You do somersaults, even though there isn't much floor space and you haven't done one in years and you know the chances of hurting yourself are pretty good. You make goofy faces and noises. You jump around, scratching your armpits and making "oo! oo! oo! ah! ah! ah!" sounds, pretending to be a monkey. You make up silly songs using your son's name and sing them at the top of your lungs. You sprint back and forth in front of the ottoman your son is standing at as fast as you can. You perform your own rendition of the Pee-Pee Dance. You play your bald head like a drum using your hands, performing such favourites as "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "Hickory Dickory Dock". You run yourself to exhaustion acting like a massive tool, all to buy yourself 15 minutes of distraction for your son...just enough time for him to start digesting what's in his tummy so you can safely change his diaper.

Then you look out your living room picture window to see a man standing on the roof of the school your house backs onto....looking at you...huge grin on his face...and you realize.....aw crap! Did he see the whole thing???

At least I got Logan to turn his screams into laughter until I could change his diaper. All was well as soon as he had a clean, dry bum. I, on the other hand, need a nap!

Note To Self: Close the curtains when any maintenance is being done on the school roof!

And Now For Some Comic Relief

After all of the doom and gloom posts of late, what with all the shit that's been going on here, I thought it was time for some much needed comic relief...and my son Zander was more than happy to oblige.

Allow me to set the scene. It was bath time last night. Carlos had already run the bath, and everything was ready. As usual, we brought both of the boys upstairs into Zander's room to strip them down for their bath. Zander was stripped down first. Then it was Logan's turn. That's when our noses were hit with something so foul...and that foulness was Logan's diaper.

Carlos: Aw, man! Logan! How can someone so cute smell so bad?

Logan: A ba da....pfpfpfpfpfpfp (I'm not sure how to translate this, but as far as I can tell it means something like "Ha! That's what you get for feeding me turkey stew for dinner, old man!")

Carlos: [cough] [weeze] [cough] Maybe we should put a diaper on Zander until Logan is read for the bath...??? [cough] This might take a while to clean up.....[choke]

Me: He should be okay....Zander...do you have to go pee?

Zander: No!

Me: Are you sure?

Zander: No pee pee....

Me: Do you want to go on the potty?

Zander: Pott'! No no pee pee poo....

Me: Okay....but tell mommy if you have to pee on the potty.

Carlos: I can hardly breathe...this is so nasty! Yak!

Me: Do you need help?

Carlos: No...I got it...

Me: Good...'cause I didn't really want to help you anyway! [smirk]

Carlos: Ummm.....honey? What's that sound?

Me: (I turn around to find the source of said sound) Why that's your son pissing into the heating vent, dear!

Zander: Pee! Pee! A (meaning "I") pee pee!

Me: Yes, Zander...you peed...all over the floor and in the vent...

Zander: A wet!

Me: Yes, Zander...you're wet...and so is the floor....and the heating ducts....

Carlos: Here's a receiving blanket...use this....(he throws it over to me)

I start wiping it up....

Zander: (he takes a step back to watch me clean up his mess....and starts to pee again) Pee pee!

Me: (laughing hysterically) Yes, Zander....you're peeing....

Zander: (nodding in agreement) A PEE!

We all had a good laugh. We needed that...

I am so thankful that there are wood floors in his room, and that a warm bath was waiting for them just a few feet down the hallway!